But even though I say 'no' to the majority of the things they ask for, most of the time I WANT to say yes. I love to make them happy. I do. I love to see their little eyes light up with wonder and delight and their big smiles and declarations that "You are the BEST mommy in the WHOLE world." I mean who wouldn't love that? But making them happy is not my primary goal. I am far more interested in their hearts, in their learning to be content and learning to follow Jesus, than I am in them being happy.
Yesterday that was put to the test. Darby and I were in the front yard when we heard all the neighbor kids playing down the street. Darby hopped on her bike and rode the three doors down to see her friends who regularly will bike up and down the sidewalk together. When we got to the neighbors' driveway we discovered that the big Christmas gift for many of her friends this year had been: scooters. They were all on their cute little pink and blue scooters racing around the driveway. While I talked to one of the other moms Darby and her friends took turns trying out the new scooters. My sweet neighbor even gave her son's old Toy Story scooter to Ky since her son had gotten a new one for Christmas. I think that might have been what set it off. The jealousy. The discontent. We got home from our impromptu play date and Darby was devastated. "EVERYONE has a scooter but ME!" "I feel left out. It's not fun to feel left out." "Why didn't I get a scooter Mom?"
I should mention that this girl did NOT have a disappointing Christmas. She got the princesses with the rubber clothes she asked for and at one point made the comment. "Oh! My LaLaLoopsy doll! I have so many new things I forgot about her!" She is by no means deprived. But, our sweet girl who is terribly concerned about fitting in (already - at four years old) was literally in tears about being left out of the scooter fun.
I'll confess to you. My first thought was that I was sure there were scooters at goodwill or the consignment store and they could not be that expensive. $10 would fix this. We could get her a scooter so that she could ride around with her friends. I know that emotion of wanting so badly just to be a part of things. I remember it well and my mama heart just wanted to fix it for her so she didn't have to feel that way...Thankfully my next thought was a little more wise than the first. 'Where does it stop? If we buy her a scooter and fix this problem what does that teach her?' That anytime she doesn't have what she wants Mommy will rush in and fix it for her so she doesn't feel sad? Thankfully her friend Luke arrived to play for the evening and the scooter was forgotten for a time.
But this morning, on the way to preschool it came up again. A little voice from the backseat: "Mom, I'm just so disappointed that I didn't get a scooter and all my friends did." Praise God for the wisdom he gives just when we need it. I reminded her that we have been blessed with so many good things and that we need to work on being content. I asked her to list 5 things she was thankful for. Here's her list.
1. My princesses with the rubber dresses so I can change their clothes.
2. My LaLaLoopsy Doll
3. My bike.
At this point Kyler pipes in "I'm thankful for my Toy Story Scooter. I love my scooter!" Thanks son. Just what we needed.
After she composed herself from the tears her brother's interruption brought she continued:
4. My friends
5. Jesus.
And also my family and my home. I have lots of good things!
'So Darby, when you start to feel jealous and discontent what will you do? '
'I'll just remember all the really good things I already have. Like Jesus and my family.'
Then we arrived at preschool and she went off a much happier girl.
It's so hard. In many ways it would have been easier to assure her that we would get her a scooter or promise her one for her birthday. But this will certainly not be the last time she is disappointed that she doesn't have something 'everyone else' has. She's not going to find happiness by acquiring more and more 'stuff' It will never be enough.
If we teach our kids that their disappointment can always be fixed instead of letting them feel it then I think we are doing them a disservice. Our kids need to feel disappointment. They need to feel left out sometimes. They need to experience the hard emotions that are part of life so that we can walk them through it and point them to Jesus. Because one day they will experience disappointment we can't fix and they need to know where to turn. Our job is so much bigger than raising happy kids. We want to raise kids who have learned to be content, who look to Jesus to fill their needs and follow after Him with all their heart.
Of course it's still fun to make them happy. She'll probably get a scooter for her birthday in May so that she can ride around the neighborhood with her friends this summer. I'm just not going to deprive her of the opportunity to work through contentment in the meantime by letting her know it's coming.
